Red Lobster Unveils "Endless Lettuce" with Infinite Sauce Bar

Red Lobster Unveils "Endless Lettuce" with Infinite Sauce Bar

In Red Lobster's somber boardroom after declaring for bankruptcy, directors shifted uncomfortably as Cindy Shells, the CEO's enthusiastic executive assistant, stood to present.

"Gentlemen," Shells beamed, revealing a head of iceberg lettuce like the NBA rookie of the year award, "I present our company's savior: Endless Lettuce!"

A collective swallow rippled through the room.

Undeterred, Shells continued, "Picture this: Unlimited lettuce with our new 1968 Sauces™ featuring over 100 flavors! It's like a soda fountain, but for salads!"

"But... we're a seafood restaurant," mumbled the CFO, scratching the bridge of his nose.

"Exactly!" Shells exclaimed. "That's why we have 'Essence of Lobster' sauce. Problem solved!"

As Shells enthusiastically demonstrated by drenching lettuce in vivid "Mermaid Tears Vinaigrette," the Marketing Director quietly updated his LinkedIn profile under the table.

"Just imagine," Shells gushed, "all the traffic of Endless Shrimp, at a fraction of the cost!"

The directors exchanged pained glances, wondering if their new CEO had recently watched The Mermaid movie – and if they should have seen this coming when he'd renamed the intern pool "The Sauce Think Tank" and had them travel with him as he visited Red Lobster locations across the country.