Starbucks' New CEO Brews Up a $113 Million Caffeine Rush

Starbucks' New CEO Brews Up a $113 Million Caffeine Rush

In a move that's perked up the coffee world, Starbucks has named a new CEO with a compensation package so grande it'll make your eyes twitch faster than a quadruple espresso shot. At $113 million, it's enough to fuel every insomniac in Seattle for a century.

The golden ticket includes a $10 million sign-on bonus (that's 2 million Tall coffees for those counting beans) and equity awards that could buy a small coffee-producing country. But wait, there's more! Annual bonuses, a jet allowance, and a commute budget that could probably build a bridge from California to Washington made of compressed coffee grounds.

Our caffeine-powered hero claims to only drink 3-4 cups a day, but with this paycheck, each sip probably costs more than a Taylor Swift concert ticket. But fear not, latte-loving minimum wage warriors! This trickle-down espresso economics means he can now afford to give every U.S. barista a generous tip—because nothing says "I care" like a little extra cash for your morning brew.

As he jets between his California mansion and Seattle HQ, leaving a trail of artisanal coffee beans in his wake, one thing's clear: in the world of corporate coffee, the crema rises higher than Swifties at a surprise album drop. With his wealth, he could even fund a nationwide coffee festival—where the only requirement for entry is a latte art masterpiece.